R7 - the death of sierra

[Sierra Reed]

during tribal council


i don't know what to say. i actually feel speechless












i told stephenie about tara when i decided to vote heidi. fabio already knew. i told rob last night. and i also told jimmy johnson because i feel like if JT is slated by as many people to go at the merge as it sounds then i will need jimmy on my side.



ummmmmm...


do you think it's probably just me going regardless of who i vote?



it's like... okay... when i decided to vote with steph and fab it like... it was a realyl hard decision, and it was going to be extremely difficult emotionally for me stick with. so when i told all those people it's like... i can't vote against steph and fabio now because they have that over me. you know... like i piss them off... they have that to use.



it's a really bad place i put myself in but because of my difficulties in doing this i kinda like... had to force myself to not be able to go back. and change my mind.

cause i would've changed my mind. i changed my mind right now, i hate what i'm doing... but i'm doing because i made sure it's my only choice.








you should see inside of my head. omg.



it's almost...


i dont know if i'll be disappointed if i get voted out tonight.

my head is killing me. i want to relax. i need to sleep.




this started out as just something... sierra was like going to be a spot that got filled. i started out not even thinking...


i don't know where that went. i'd love to get it back though.









if i'm staying... it'll be because steph and fab voted out heidi with me. and therefore... i'm using my vote changer. to change tara's vote.


i'm really worried about what's going to happen after this, outside of this game. i hate having to deal with this stress.

i hate that this is causing me stress.




and it's like i have to vote with tara, follow her wishes because she's got so much more over me than like just htis game or something. *sighs*


what the fuck did i get myself into by joining here? why did she have to be in this game?




everything was going to stop with THIS game. when i got voted out, everything was going to stop. and that was going to be it. i was going to wash my hands of it, pick up my shit and walk away.


but now it's gonna get carried on. now it's gonna be bigger than the game.






i don't know what to do. i feel so cornered. like my choices are not my own now.





i'm trying to make my own decision though, amanda. it's just killing me that the fall out from doing so is going to be very possibly be huge.



and i like tara. if she doesn't like me after this...




it just isn't worth it... to be my own person.


god.
\

[Sierra Reed]

maybe if JT were more active, and heidi. maybe if JT didn't always like shrug off talking abt the game. maybe if she weren't so bossy as a player, and like... jsut get down to the point i dont wanna fucking discuss anything just vote the way i say...



maybe if i didn't start to like steph first. because she seems like a... i hate to say it about tara but steph seems like a much more REAL person.



maybe if like... i dont know. she told me who we'd be working with. she TOLD me austin, heidi, myself, and her. and steph for a little while if i want. and rob for awhile it's like...



fuck my opinion. and whne i asked if i should use my vote changer, like... christ i wanna discuss the pros and cons if ur suddnely gonna take some spot as my fucking biggest most trusted ally. maybe we can like discuss what we're gonna do???


just possibly?







liek it's some big miracle that she came and told me... ewwwwww heidi's voting you but we wanna vote fabio instead so like i'm here to like confess who i am and save you and you can help us and we'll go to the end and then this is what you do exactly listen to it and follow it step by step and do not think.



yeah sure i want someoen to think for me, yeah, but it's nice if they have like... the same sorta objective in mind, to a degree, that i do.






sorry... i[m just rambling. venting... constantly. there is so much to get out. SO MUCH.



austin carty (thatotherguy40) is available 8:36 pm
austin carty 8:36 pm
(8:36:52 PM): hey hows that tribal lookin?
sierrar66 8:41 pm
(8:41:01 PM): grim :-P
(8:41:12 PM): and extremely confusing
(8:41:13 PM): LOL
(8:41:21 PM): how u doing?
austin carty 8:41 pm
(8:41:32 PM): im good actually
sierrar66 8:43 pm
(8:43:19 PM): that's good
(8:43:24 PM): you finally got a break from this
(8:43:30 PM): i can see how that would be nice
(8:43:32 PM): :-P
(8:43:41 PM): now that i'm experiencing it again
austin carty 8:43 pm
(8:43:42 PM): lol ya, im hoping its a tad more longer lasting
sierrar66 8:43 pm
(8:43:55 PM): well results are at 11:00 EST
(8:43:57 PM): tonight
(8:44:03 PM): so the next challenge probly wont be till tomorrow
(8:44:07 PM): so you got atleast a day ;-)
(8:44:09 PM): hehehehe
(8:44:27 PM): i got a question
(8:44:36 PM): do you like JT?
(8:44:44 PM): and heidi?
austin carty 8:45 pm
(8:45:07 PM): lol why do i think this decision will decide who u vote out
sierrar66 8:45 pm
(8:45:25 PM): lol nah i kinda already decided
(8:45:37 PM): i was just curious :-P
austin carty 8:45 pm
(8:45:44 PM): ya they r good ppl
sierrar66 8:45 pm
(8:45:48 PM): okay good
(8:45:59 PM): i was hoping u'd say that :-P
austin carty 8:46 pm
(8:46:04 PM): because?
sierrar66 8:46 pm
(8:46:19 PM): well JT said he likes you...
(8:46:29 PM): i dont know...
(8:46:37 PM): i'm soooooo nervous to talk at all in this position :-P
(8:46:50 PM): but i feel like u know what i'm doing ;-)
austin carty 8:47 pm
(8:47:01 PM): not really...
sierrar66 8:47 pm
(8:47:04 PM): oh
(8:47:14 PM): well JT mentioned an alliance with u
sierrar66 8:47 pm
(8:47:26 PM): not that he had one, just that he wanted one
(8:47:38 PM): i kinda figured he'd have talked to you abt me ...
austin carty 8:47 pm
(8:47:45 PM): no
sierrar66 8:47 pm
(8:47:54 PM): oh...
(8:47:57 PM): well in that case
(8:48:04 PM): would u be into an alliance with them?
(8:48:13 PM): like if it helped at merge and stuff
austin carty 8:48 pm
(8:48:17 PM): of course!
sierrar66 8:48 pm
(8:48:31 PM): more so than with like steph and fab i assume?
austin carty 8:48 pm
(8:48:51 PM): ya i feel a small connection with stephannie and even less with fabio'
sierrar66 8:48 pm
(8:48:56 PM): okay cool
(8:49:06 PM): well then, for better or for worse, i know what i'm doing
(8:49:13 PM): still very very nervous tho :-P
austin carty 8:49 pm
(8:49:29 PM): whatever it is, ill keep it on the DL if u wanna lemme me kno
sierrar66 8:51 pm
(8:51:55 PM): okie
(8:51:59 PM): well, i'm voting fab
(8:52:10 PM): i gotta use my vote changer thing tho to make sure
(8:52:14 PM): hopefully it'll help :-P
austin carty 8:52 pm
(8:52:27 PM): why ppl think heidi is gone?
sierrar66 8:52 pm
(8:52:36 PM): i dont know?
(8:52:38 PM): inactive?
(8:52:46 PM): i thought ppl think i am gone =-O
austin carty 8:52 pm
(8:52:55 PM): idk no one tells me anything lol
sierrar66 8:53 pm
(8:53:31 PM): lol
(8:53:42 PM): well i've been asked by a few ppl if i am leaving
(8:53:47 PM): making it sound like they think i am :-P
(8:53:53 PM): so that has me worried
sierrar66 8:53 pm
(8:53:58 PM): but we'll see
austin carty 8:54 pm
(8:54:04 PM): good luck hun
sierrar66 8:54 pm
(8:54:07 PM): thnx u!
(8:54:11 PM): i hope it works out :-\
sierrar66 9:02 pm
(9:02:00 PM): i'm gonna take off for a little bit
(9:02:06 PM): but i'll be back closer to results time lol
(9:02:10 PM): ttyl :-)
austin carty 9:02 pm
(9:02:15 PM): bye :-)















and so when he asked me, i asked steph... should i tell him fabio or should i tell him nothing? because JT named him in her alliance plan... she said yeah, tlel him i'm voting fabio.



that's one less person i won't be able to talk to about stuff now after this.




you know it's really starting to seem that strategically it would be better to vote fabio. but... for the love of god i don't care. i'm doing what i'm doing and it's for better or for worse... whetehr it fucks up my entire ORG experience everywhere or not, whatever.



it doens't matter if she takes it out on me i njapan, does it amanda? lol... if you read this line, you should say "no it doesn't matter". lol moral support




i don't know... atleast jimmy wants heidi gone. and everyone seems to want JT gone, so i dont know...


everyone except heidi and austin maybe? and maybe brett? maybe even monica???


i swear they are friends. they definately know eachother, and tara says she doesn't like monica... but i dont believe that.



just like i dont believe anything else about monica. lol. i trust her the least of everyone in the game, even over people who i KNOW want me out.






what am i talking abt?



i guess the pros and cons... but it doesn't even matter because my decision is made.



i'm just really afraid. i'm nervous about leaving but i'm afraid of tara. what she is going to do when she sees how i voted.





stupid stupid situation she put me in.

[Amanda Kimmel]

What makes you so nervous that you'll be leaving? Who do you think will vote for you?

[Sierra Reed]

well i just mean... our fight, my emotionalness... if i leave it'd pretty much have to be a group consensus but with the way i've been feeling... i dont know how much of that everyone is seeing.


if they see very much of how i've been acting like... there's a good chance it could be like jsut send her home.



but i mean, i think fabio and steph are voting heidi. that's what they say.


or it's more like... i dont have nay real reason to believe i am going home. it's just a possibility because of how i've been feeling. and acting.


and i have been told that heidi and JT will be voting fabio.



i think the nerves are mainly from the tara thing to be honest.






voting against her wishes truly just has me like... really really freaked out.

[Sierra Reed]

i mean honestly in a big way it'd be a relief if i wasn't in the game anymore. clearly... you cna probably see that i am being quite boggeddown by ORGs lately.


so i dont know how nervous i can be about that. i guess i am anxious still... definately anxious is a good word to describe it.


anxious to find out... a little nervous abt bad news but like i said it would probably be good for my mental health to ummm... yeah... either chill out like i am in my other games right now or just like be voted out. namibia is making me crazy, especially nwo that i know tara is here.



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